The early loss of a baby

I'm going to preface this post by saying I'm prolife, and that shows up in my thoughts about pretty much everything involving humans, including my own babies. I believe they were created with eternal souls at the moment of their conceptions, and that even if they don't survive to live here, with us on this Earth, then their soul lives in heaven. This post is a little scattered, and I'm sorry if you're trying to read through that. I'm mostly writing this one to get my thoughts out... but I thought other mamas who have lost their little ones may want to read as well, so I'm sharing it for you, mamas, if you lost a baby. No one ever knows what to say, and I certainly don't have all the words either. Your baby matters. Nothing can take away the ache, and it is okay to avoid situations where you are around other babies right now if is is too hard for you. It is also ok to tell people about your loss.  Because your baby matters. And it is okay to keep quiet if that's what you prefer, too. Everyone processes their loss in their own way. Remember to check on your husband, too. We held our babies inside us. Our bodies gave them comfort, if only for a few weeks. Our husbands don't get that solace. Let your husband take care of you, but remember he might need extra hugs and attention right now, too. He is also grieving.

"We shall find our little ones again up above." St. Zelie Martin

David and I found out we were pregnant two weeks ago. I had suspected it, very strongly, long before it was soon enough to know. From the beginning, I was terrified because things didn't seem right. I tried to pray a rosary, and couldn't, but the image of Divine Mercy kept popping into my head so I whispered "Jesus, I trust in You" until I fell asleep, finally peaceful. The next day, feeling panicked again, I heard a whisper "Daughter... do you trust Me?" Yes, Lord, I do... and then the peace again. So for the last week and a half, I've been as peaceful as I could through this up and down, the hope and then fear and then hope. At peace knowing God was there, beside me.

We were so excited about this baby and eagerly told Patrick he was a big brother. He smiled and cooed. Patrick suddenly started snuggling up against my belly, something he'd never really done before, often, like he knew. Maybe he did.

I'm more at peace this time than with Jean Marie. Because I can look at my beautiful baby, Patrick, who is here, alive and well, and know that he really is as wonderful and worth all the pain of the two losses before him. But in some ways I am also more sad than before. I wonder what her laugh would sound like (I always have some sort of idea what the gender is... from the beginning. I guess I can't confirm my suspicions in this lifetime but I was right with Patrick even when the ultrasound said he was girl! So I'm going to trust that especially in the case of our departed little ones, He will give them new names if the ones we give them don't work). I wonder how her face would look... what traits would be the same as Patrick and what would be different? Would she be as stubborn as David, me and Patrick? Would she have my dad's nose, too? But I guess we won't know that in this lifetime.

More at peace. Sure. But also the loss hits hard. I don't think it can get easier. She's our baby. One I was so excited about and so excited to meet and hold. And I don't get to. That loss is painful. Because it's the loss of anticipation, and the complete loss of getting to meet this little person in this lifetime.

I read a quote last week and it has stuck with me. I believe it is from Corrie ten Boom. "God is so close to you that you can only see His shadow." Oh, yes, Lord, that seems so true. You are beside us, Holding us in this time of loss. And your mother will carry our little one to you, so you can hold her and comfort her and introduce her to her siblings. You created this soul through our love, and that is so beautiful to ponder, This little one wouldn't exist without You, Lord. You created her for a purpose, as you create all life for a purpose. And You have used her precious and short life to draw me closer to You in trust. And to remember that the veil between heaven and earth is thin. You have created us to know you, love you and serve you. May we all do that, and may our babies be witness of your creative power and love.

May the angels and saints take you to Jesus, my little one. I am so sorry I will not be able to hold you and kiss your little head and brush your cheek against mine and teach you about earthly love. May God wrap you in His arms and give you the fullness of His heavenly love.

Maria Kolbe, Jean Marie and Faustina Rose pray for us. May all the little saints in heaven pray for their parents, especially may those little saints lost through abortion pray that their parents may find God's mercy, peace and love.