But this year, I've let myself think I'm too busy to do that. I've created a plethora of things I "need" to do, rather than doing the one thing I actually need to do. Make more time for God.
Tonight was one of those nights for me... again. I've had a lot of those. Ever since I set my lenten goals and included among them "resume going to daily mass, as often as possible", I've conveniently managed to make it to just one or two. Not exactly what I had in mind when I set that goal, but, you know. The dishes need done. Or dinner cooked. Or papers organized or groceries bought. Or there's always that thrift store I could stop into just to see if they have anything I need.
Are you rolling your eyes or shaking your head yet at my lame attempts to justify avoiding a commitment I've made? I phrased the goal "when possible" because I have struggled in the past with making that too much a priority, and feeling overly neglectful when there was good reason to not attend daily mass.
Yet, here I was, tonight, confronted with a choice. I chose not to go. I chose not to go when I drove past the church before four o'clock. I chose not to go when I stopped at my fiance's house to heat up dinner so we could eat together during his break. Except I hadn't gotten to the heating part when he walked in with food in hand for his lunch. Whoops. Hmm. Maybe I could go...
But I don't want to.
"You can go to mass still, sweetheart!" My thoughts were interrupted.
"But I don't want to." This time spoken aloud. Hmm. Saying those words outloud stung a bit.
"Why don't you want to go?"
"I'm not sure. I just don't... want to." Yep.. those words sound even lamer aloud than they do in my head.
"You know that means you most need to go."
My fiance returned to work. I got out my sewing project fabric... because it was waiting. And I'd been waiting all weekend to work on those projects. It didn't seems as appealing as I had thought. I put it back.
I got in my car and drove to the church, hoping for some peace to wash over my stubborn heart.
I left mass, still struggling with the sadness I'd been battling for several days, unsure what the cause was. I turned the music on. Three beats of the song and I shut it off. It was too loud. Too busy. Too much.
Driving, I realized that there were several decisions I was avoiding praying about.
I'm not sure why I ever wonder about my sadness. That's always the reason. The busyness. The failure to sit in the quiet and bare my heart to God.
Realizing this was the problem, I drove a bit more. I could make it to adoration.
Or I could go to Goodwill.
I went to Goodwill. Shock of shocks, nothing was there that I needed to purchase. Or even wanted to purchase.
Just like the other day when I did the same thing... going to three different thrift stores in a different town in an avoidance of going to a daily mass. Rationalized, of course. Yet.. nothing in those stores was even slightly appealing, try as I might to make it so.
Hmm. Got back in the car. Guess I can make it to Pella. I chuckled a bit. God was certainly not making it easy for me to avoid Him. Yesterday, I was so determined to crack my heart open to Him. Why the change today?
I drove, the entire trip in the quiet, listening to the car move over the road.
I pulled into the lot, walked in, fell to my knees. There He was. The One who I'd been ignoring again. There He was. Right there, in the starkness of the Host. His humility and love on display! Right there- in the silence.
"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy and my burden light." Matthew 11: 28- 30
"You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless, until they rest in You."