Are there really shades of Grey?

Our minds are just as susceptible to what we put into them as our bodies are. No, that's not quite right. Over time, I can improve my health after a week of unhealthy eating. It's very difficult to do the same for your mind.

You see, when you watch something, or read something, or surround yourself with certain types of messages, they do more than momentarily entertain you. You can't unread a book, or unwatch a movie, or unhear a word. Over time, we become desensitized to the message of the media we are consuming, so that what we may have once shied away from reading or watching, or been more discerning about becomes something that's just "not a big deal". 

Now, I want to be clear here. Freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom to print or publish, read and engage are wonderful freedoms. But they are heavy freedoms. They don't let you sit idly by and blame someone else for what you have chosen to consume. Freedom means just that. You. Have. To. Choose. 

You have to take responsibility for what movies you watch, books you read and jokes you laugh at just as much as you have to take responsibility for your actions towards others and the way you spend your time, or money.

I read the books. It's not something I'm proud of, and if I could unread them, I would. I would happily go back to that time when I didn't see that bit of the darkness of humanity. Not so I could live in a bubble, but so that I wouldn't be encountered by images from the books from seemingly innocuous, everyday things. It's been two years since I read them, and it's something I don't think about very often any more. But that doesn't mean it doesn't pop into my head sometimes. And I wish it wouldn't.

You see, for the longest time, it didn't occur to me that what I read could be harmful. So I read pretty much everything I encountered, under the guise that no reading material was better than any other. But that's not exactly true, is it? Certainly some material is better than others, or we wouldn't have "classical literature". We wouldn't have "Great Books". If what we read didn't matter, then, why bother to read at all? Certainly we can read for entertainment. But therein lies the dilemma. Is all entertainment justified? Is some entertainment better than other forms of entertainment?

So... before you head out to watch "Fifty Shades" next weekend, just consider the message it's sending. Really, truly consider it. Consider whether that message is one you really want to have in the back of your mind. Because it is your choice. And, as with all choices we have to consider the consequences. Is it worth it? 

I could point out that the premise supports domestic violence, promotes a rape culture and promotes an unhealthy relationship style. But I don't think that's even the biggest thing at stake here. Because if that were the only problem with this series, then it wouldn't have as much of a draw to it. No... instead, I'm asking you to consider its worth. What do you actually get from watching the movie? Talking points? The status of having seen the "in" movie? To escape into a different world with different troubles even if in doing so you open up your mind to that very world? To a different view of yourself and others than as a beloved sons and daughters of God? Is that what you really want?

Given all the other things you could spend your time and money on, is that really a choice you want to justify to yourself later? To God?

It's your choice. But consider it.

Goal for 2015... and well, the goal, I guess

I want to be a saint.

There. I said it. It shouldn't be so terrifying to say. To become holy. To truly become. To live forever in the presence of God. To be perfected.

It's funny how this has been following me around for awhile before I could even write the words on December 31st. It sounds so... out of reach. Difficult. Impossible.

I'm just a normal person. A normal person, living a normal life, with nothing big or grand about it to speak of. But that's the thing. That's the thing about reading the writings of the Little Flower, and so many others. The path to holiness is the path I'm on. (Video on a similar idea from Jennifer Fulwiler )

It's not an easy path for anyone. It's difficult. And it's not usually the "big" things that are hard. It's the easy things. the things where you have to weigh two good things and pick the one that is better. Or where you have to push aside yourself to favor those around you. To put God first in all your actions.

It's impossible for me to be perfect. But it's not impossible for me to be perfected.

So while I've been mulling over this for the last few weeks (or months, or couple of years), the same idea has just kept cropping, to the point where now I am daily seeing how this truly plays out in all aspects of my life.

I'm reading a book on motivation for work and tonight this passage struck me:

"...A little kid's life bursts with autotelic experiences. Children careen from one flow moment to another, animated by a sense of joy, equipped with a mindset of probability, and working with the dedication of a West Point cadet. they use their brains and their bodies to probe and draw feedback from the environment in an endless pursuit of mastery. Then, at some point in their lives-- they don't. What happens? "You start to get ashamed that what you're doing is childish."" Drive, p 128.

Wow... reading that tonight hit like a weight of bricks. Children love freely, and without shame. They are motivated to become their best. To improve, not to compete, but have "an endless pursuit of mastery". That, too, should be our attitude toward the spiritual life, and toward our physical lives which are a means to the spiritual life as well.

It can be difficult to remember that there is a reason God gave me the gift of my family, of my town, of my job, of my friends. Each of these people are in my life for a reason. To help me to become holy, and for me to help them along the same path. Sometimes that is through a word of encouragement, but other times, it can be through a thorn in our side. Thorns, too, can sanctify us. St Paul said this in 2 Corinthians 12: 6-10.

"Although if I should wish to boast, I would not be foolish, for I would be telling the truth. But I refrain, so that no one may think more of me than what he sees in me or hears from me because of the abundance of the revelations. Therefore, that I might not become too elated, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

The thing is, at least for me, it's really easy to follow the "big" things. It's easy to not murder, or steal, or lie, or break any of the "surfaces" of the commandments. But to truly die to myself? To truly put others first in my esteem? To put their needs and desires ahead of my own? 

To be at school by 7:30 because that's when a student wants extra help. To patiently, and calmly ask yet again for a student to get out their pencil, or to quit blurting out comments, or to come to class on time. To respond graciously when cut off in traffic. To have chicken for dinner when you want a steak. To make pizza instead of trying the new recipe with strange vegetables no else would want to eat. To watch the sports program when my favorite show is on the other channel. To smile at the stranger in the shopping line. To make small talk with the grouchy clerk. To hold back the criticism and uplift those around me instead. 

These are little things. Little, tiny, completely unimportant things. And these are the things I've been given, not as a punishment, but as a gift to offer cheerfully my obedience and to participate in the work of Love. 

To put my phone, and Facebook down and read a spiritual book, or pray the rosary, or simply sit silently in the presence of God. To choose to use less cream in my coffee on occasion to remind me to be more thankful.

Little, tiny, unimportant things? Not so much. Not when they can be so very difficult to do precisely because of how "little" they are.

I often think it would be "easier" to have been given a larger task. Something tangible, where I can see the end goal more clearly. Where I can see exactly what I should do in an instant that would be the right thing. 

Because that's the toughest thing right now. The toughest thing is to serve God here. In this moment. In this part of my life without looking for something bigger to do, when I haven't mastered the little things I've been given. These little gifts, these small tasks... they change me. They conform my will to the will of God. Through surrendering my will. Sin, I read recently, is when we do not give back to God our free will. It is any time we do not act in Love. Such a simple definition. So difficult a teaching.

He willed to let us choose. But we are to choose Love, if we are to truly choose Him. In each little, tiny moment, we are to choose Love. And if the word vocation means the way in which we live out that movement to choose Love, well, then, the decision is simple. Love wins. Love wins through sacrifices, through smiles, through patience and trust. God gave us free will, that we, too could will Love into being. How amazing is that?!?! That we can choose so great a thing! In every moment. Through every action. We can take the mundane, the ordinary and choose to use them to make us holy.

A year ago, I started a blog post on sacrifice. One line, really, and it's interesting to me now to read it again.

"It's easy to say I want to sacrifice... that I would give Jesus everything I have. But if that were really the case, I wouldn't struggle with the little things."

I disagree with that last part now. I think the little things may always be a struggle. Maybe there was more to that thought last year, maybe not, but I think the main point is that the strive for holiness is something I was seeking then, am seeking now, and pray I will be seeking a year from now. It's not something that happens in an instant. 

Saying I want to be a saint shouldn't be shocking. I once heard a priest at a baptism say that for us to be anything less than holy, to become anything less than saints is a scandal. This is what we were baptized into. This is our heritage. 

Saying it shouldn't be difficult. Choosing to become a saint? Well, that's the tough part.

So this year, I'm working on it. And I'm going to keep working on it. And keep working on it. Step by little step.

Why St Paul Wasn't Wrong

There's a thought often heard in Christian circles that St Paul was just wrong in his comment that Christ would come again in the lifetime of his contemporaries. We say " well, St Paul was a great Christian, a wonderful evangelist, a righteous man of immense faith, but he just got that wrong. I mean, clearly, Christ didn't come again." 

I think the point at which we start along that type of thinking is the point in which we fall into an error greater than the one we assign to Paul. We remove God from our world. We remove Christ from our world.

That's right... every time we get so worried and worked up about the second coming we forget that for us, Christ may as well return in two weeks, or tomorrow. Or today.


Firstly, we fall into the comfort trap. By pushing the time of the Second Coming further and further into the future- or worse- by selecting the day and hour which Christ will appear ( which is Scripturally impossible), we allow ourselves to become lazy. to put off spreading the Good News, to see evangelization as a less-than-urgent endeavor. The problem with this type of thinking is that today is someone's last day. Today is someone's last chance. It might be yours. It might be mine. It is urgent for each person,

But there's another problem with this type of thinking and this critique of St Paul. This problem is the removal of God from our world. As Catholics we don't believe God has left us alone. We believe that He is here with us in Spirit as we gather and in Flesh every time the Eucharist is celebrated. During Holy Mass, we believe that ordinary substances are radically and miraculously changed before our very eyes into the Body and Blood of our Lord and Savior. In our remembrance of His sacrifice on Calvary, He is made flesh again that we may consume Him and be transformed into His Body. We, the Church, His Bride, are here. We are waiting for His return, yes, but we are waiting in anticipation at Holy Mass. It is a foretaste of heaven, a few precious moments where we can glimpse the eternity that lies ahead.

I know that Christ didn't come again during St Paul's lifetime, but I also had an experience recently where I realized overwhelming that He really did come, too. That He really is always coming to us in the Mass. I mean... it's one thing to know something with your head and another to have that moment of clarity, and immense love, and to feel His presence so truly in the Eucharist. St Paul wasn't wrong. Christ comes to us in the Holy Mass every time His Sacrifice is celebrated. He promised us this and He follows through. The urgency of evangelization is not just to spread the word and love of God in the event that Christ returns to Earth tomorrow or next week. No- it's to allow people to greet Him now, because our lives are always better with Him than without. More joyful, more peaceful, more consumed with love. We realize those moments, those glimpses of heaven. Our hearts are truly restless until they rest in Him. Because His love for us is so great. So powerful and we constantly seek Him. We want others to experience that now because we know what it is to be changed by Him.  St Paul was right to be filled with urgency and zeal- because he knew what those who don't know Christ are missing. They are missing that experience of Christ now. 

When you have an amazing friend, don't you want to brag to everyone you meet about that person? About how wonderful they are? How good a friend? Who kind, how compassionate a person? Christ is more than our friend. He is Love. He gave His life for us that we could be with Him. That's news that demands to be shared.

Completely random thoughts

Like really random. I'm not exactly sure they're even related. So read at your own risk.

So… life. Well, I’m not exactly sure what I’m writing about right now. I have about a million thoughts running through my mind… okay not a million, that’s definitely an exaggeration, but there a quite a few thoughts.

This has been one of the strangest years of my life, basically because it feels like I’m really starting to settle into a routine, and I guess because I’m finally realizing that I’m an adult. At the age of almost-26. I mean, it’s strange, I’ve had a real-adult job for three full years- you, know, the kind that isn’t just a job. But it is that, too. Some days. Most days, it doesn’t feel like working- because teaching is what I do, it’s part of who I am. And I missed teaching so much this summer.

I guess that’s one of the weird parts, that after three years, it finally started to sink in with me a bit last year. I’d been saying it for the first two years, I’d been interacting with kids, building relationships, etc., but it wasn’t the same as when teaching started to give me energy. Yes, it’s still draining, it’s still exhausting, but it’s not just a job. It’s not just something I do from 9-5. No… it’s a part of me in the way that I can’t ever really shut it off. Anytime I’m outside my house, I’m Miss Gates. And I like that feeling, but it also brings a lot of responsibility.. because kids look up to me. 

Maybe I’m just being ridiculously full of myself, but it makes me wonder, what if we all acted like grown-ups. I mean- what if we all, everyday, put on our real clothes, and our good attitudes and spent energy trying to improve the spirits of those around us. What if, everyday, we truly cared about our neighbors… all of them, and acted in a way that showed we cared. What if we cared enough to put on real clothes, and brush our hair and smile? 

I mean, we teach kids these things are important- that they should “dress for success” and be polite and respectful. Is it really that respectful for us to walk past our fellow human beings like they’re strangers? Even the people we know? Without acknowledging them or smiling?

I guess I started to realize something last Sunday. I was having a reply bad day… well couple days. And I have this weird thing where I never realize when I’m upset or not in the best of moods. I mean, other people will pick up on it and comment, but I don’t usually notice. (I’m working on it… I think it’s probably one of the things I really need to fix this year). So anyway… Sunday. 

After church, my family and I always go out to eat lunch somewhere in town. On this particular Sunday, we went to one of my favorite restaurants.

Or you know, I’ll come back to writing this two weeks later. Still relevant though, so I guess I’ll keep writing.

I was shopping and everyone was annoying e. I mean… no one would stop talking to me. So the fourth time in two minutes that the clerk asked if I needed help I snapped a bit. And then the other customer in Penney’s wanted to chat. Well, I guess yo could say I finally realized I wasn’t behaving very kindly towards the world. And then it finally all started to hit me. How I’d been very carefully distancing myself from everyone after the last couple of weeks. From my family, from my friends, and now even from random strangers who were just treating me like a person. I have this tendency when I’m getting depressed/ am depressed to draw back from people. To not let anyone in and to lock everyone out.

The biggest problem with this isn’t that I lock out my family. Or my friends, or really even, that I lock myself out. The biggest problem is that I also lock out God. And in the sea weird way I lock everyone else out. I act like everything is normal and have “normal” conversations. So my prayer life goes on auto pilot and I completely shut God out of my emotions.

Because… even when I know that God’s mercy knows no bounds, sometimes I still struggle to let Him in. To let Him actually do the fixing. To let His grace pour over me and help me to forgive myself. Which is why when song after song that Sunday on the radio was about Go’d forgiveness, it all started to sink in a bit.

 And I’ve been working on it. Shutting God out of your life, not talking to Him and refusing to listen while at the same time venting to yourself that He’s not answering, well, that’s a toxic form of prayer. 

It’s frustrating to realize that I can’t focus enough to pray three Hail Mary’s without having to stop and start over. It’s frustrating to realize that I can’t say an Our Father without going on auto pilot. The first step for me is to stop the auto-pilot. Which means I have to slow down and force myself to say the words. With meaning. Even if that takes and hour. I have to force myself to feel. Because as much as words can be said with hurt and malice I think it’s worse to say them with a lack of intention. It’s worse to not tell God our frustrations, to not let Him comfort us. Because our God is our Father. He is our Comforter. He is the One who can give us hope, and faith, and love. He is the source of all things good, and when it hurts… well, we need to turn to Him. We need to let Him in and let Him help.

This summer has been weird. Or different at least, because patience has never been my strong suit and two and a half weeks later, I'm puzzling through things a bit and it’s starting to click just a little. That I need to learn to trust Him more. And have faith in the storm. And not rely just on feeling close to Him but then letting my prayer life fall apart when it gets a little tough. That I need to be honest with myself, and realize when things aren’t going so well, instead of always convincing myself that everything’s great. All the time. Life is great- all the time. But that doesn’t mean that even in this wonderful life, we don’t experience tough moments, heartbreaking moments and moments of loneliness and despair that challenge us. I need to learn to push through those and to persist. 

I have a feeling I'm going to be rereading this... on the discipline of delay... several more times. 

So. This year. I’m working on growing my faith. On trusting God. And being faithful in the little things. That’s the plan anyway.

Music... what's the big deal?

So several months ago I followed the debates in the Catholic blogosphere and elsewhere about the role of Christian musicians. Chiefly, it boiled down two viewpoints of the role of Christian musicians. On one side, the argument goes, Christian musicians should separate themselves from the secular music world by creating Christian worship music. Others seemed to feel that Christian musicians should play a role in transforming the music world through their art.

Personally, I feel that there is a strong need for both. Christians need Christian artists to write songs that speak to us and help us to deepen our faith lives. Because sometimes, when it's hard to pray, it's really comforting to turn on the radio and speak to God through the music. I would say that this area of music, the Christian genre, is not really a mission field, at least not for those outside Christian circles. It's target audience is a Christian audience seeking to deepen their faith.

Another part of the debate hedged on the idea of what constitutes and artist as a Christian artist- is it that each song they write mentions God directly? Or is it that because the artists see through the eyes of faith they sing through it, too?

I  side with the latter definition. It would seem that we need Christians in all walks of life, and that that witness isn't always going to be a verbal witness. We don't always preach the Gospel with words. Though it's a quote frequently misattributed to St Francis,  "Preach the Gospel at all times; if necessary use words" has some merit. It should be apparent we are Christians by the way we act, by the choices we make, by how we treat those around us. We are called to be the leaven in the bread. To transform, not separate ourselves off into our own little corner of the world.

As I was driving home today, I did something I rarely do, I turned the radio to one of the more popular radio stations. I listen to the hit music when I'm in the store, I hear some of it on tv, but I made the decision several years ago to listen to almost entirely Christian music. It wasn't a decision I made because I disagreed with the secular music industry. I switched for one reason- because it wasn't uplifting, it wasn't joyful. It was sad. It had so much hurt in it. I was in a rough spot at the time (dealing with my dad's passing) and I didn't want to surround myself with any more sadness. So I gave it up. During this part of my life, I really struggled to talk to God, but gradually through listening to Christian music, I made some strides back towards happiness. So I'm really very grateful to the Christian artists and I definitely see the need for the Christian music industry.

So that brings us to the state of secular music right now. When I turned on the radio, I heard one of Lady Gaga's latest hits, Do What U Want. I almost started crying. Because that song is so depressing. There is so much hurt and pain in it. It's written in response to the press' treating of Lady Gaga, and while that may be the original intention of the song, it certainly has a double entendre. The phrase "You can do what you want with my body", indicates that it is somehow possible to separate the body from the soul. There is so much hurt in this world, and this seems to be one of our biggest coping mechanisms, that the body doesn't effect our selves, our thoughts, our voices, our hearts. This seems to be one of the biggest lies perpetuated to the young today. Because the human body is a beautiful thing. It's not something that's meant to be used and discarded. It's not something that's meant to be put on display to be rated and judged with a rubric. It's a work of art, and it's meant to be loved, protected, and taken care of. We can't separate our emotions and thoughts from our bodies. They are meant to help each other, two facets of the same person. Each with its purpose, each able to help the other to do good.

That's the Christian message. And that's what needs to be preached just as loudly as the secular gospel on the airwaves. We need more Christian musicians who are willing to revolutionize our society by participating in it. By transforming it. By shaping the way we think.  So I'm grateful for those Christian musicians who have left the Christian music industry to pursue society. To seek them where they are at and to reach them through beautiful music, music that will speak to their souls and send them the message that they are valued and loved. Musicians who won't be afraid to spread love through their song. Musicians who won't settle with creating something less than beautiful because they have heeded the call to serve, to evangelize, to be missionaries of love.

On the continuing process of conversion

All Christians are called to be holy. We are all called to be saints. To do that, we must be able to listen to God's call as Samuel did. We must not only hear His voice, but listen to Him. During Father's homily today, he said that we cannot do what we want to do and just assume that this is what God is calling us to do. Frequently what we are called to do is not something that immediately looks attractive to us. We must listen to Him and discern what He is calling us to do. We must become holy.

That's quite a challenge. It's impossible on our own, but through the grace of Christ in us, we can. We're given three examples in the readings today of people who accepted this call to holiness- Jesus (as prophesied in Isaiah), Paul and John the Baptist.

It's interesting to think about the time required for Paul to live out his vocation after he was called. The time between his conversion and the start of his ministry was certainly a time of profound growth and preparation for him. In other words- even when he was changed in an instant, time was required for him to truly become who he was called to be. 

I've done a lot of growing, a lot of changing in the last two years. But those changes were all written on my heart two years ago. It's taken me two years to follow through, to actually change my life. It hasn't happened in a single moment, and I'm not done growing and changing. My conversion is not complete. 

The word conversion is defined to be "the act or an instance of converting or the process of being converted". A synonym for conversion is changing. Conversion then isn't ended in a moment. It continues as we further let Christ into our lives as we offer Him more of ourselves and in turn receive more of Him. 

So for the moment, I'm stuck. I don't know what He's calling me to do. And it's a little terrifying to even consider. I was listening to a sermon on discernment and vocation today and it said that if you aren't challenged by your vocation, then it's probably not the right one. That seems about right- life doesn't get easier just because we're on the "right path". It certainly didn't get easier for John the Baptist or Paul. To be filled with joy and peace despite the troubles and struggles of life. To be certain in what you are doing. To be holy.

We sang this song at church today. It's always been one of my favorites. The music isn't fantastic. The lyrics at times are a bit over the top (I am your song... too much). And I find it to be a little stuck in time... not the timeless type of music I usually prefer. But it's a heartfelt and prayer-filled song that always moves me. 

Servant Song 

Lyrics

What do you want of me, Lord? Where do you want me to serve you? Where can I sing your praises? I am your song.

Jesus, Jesus, you are my Lord. Jesus, Jesus, you are the way.

I hear you call my name, Lord, and I am moved within me. Your Spirit stirs my deepest self. Sing your songs in me.

Jesus, Jesus, you are my Lord. Jesus, Jesus, you are the way.

Above, below, and around me, before, behind, and all through me, your Spirit burns deep within me.
Fire my life with your love.

Jesus, Jesus, be the warmth of my heart. Jesus, Jesus, you are the way.

You are the light in my darkness. You are my strength when I’m weary. You give me sight when I’m blinded. Come see for me.

Jesus, Jesus, you are my Light. Jesus, Jesus, you are the way.

I am your song and servant, singing your praise like Mary. Surrendered to your Spirit, "Let it be done to me."

Jesus, Jesus, "Let it be done to me." Jesus, Jesus, you are the way.

Two Quotes from the Church Triumphant

"To pray means to think lovingly about Jesus. Prayer is the soul’s attention that is concentrated on Jesus. The more you love Jesus, the better you pray." -- Bl. Charles de Foucauld



I read this quote on Facebook and, as simple as it is, it made me stop and think. Then I searched for an image of Blessed Charles de Foucald and found this icon. I was blown away by the message it sends. This image perfectly describes the saints. They point us to Christ. They are humble and have surrendered themselves entirely to Christ. The quote below, which I read earlier this morning on a blog and had been mulling over so perfectly describes all of the saints.

"Examine yourself to see whether you have within you a strong sense of your own self importance, or negatively, whether you have failed to realize that you are nothing. This feeling of self-importance is deeply hidden, but it controls the whole of our life. Its first demand is that everything should be as we wish it, and as soon as this is not so we complain to God and are annoyed with people." -- Saint Theophan the Recluse

It's just so amazing that we have the saints! All of them. Not just the ones who have been recognized by the church, but all of the saints in heaven. All of the saints who pray for us, and intercede for us and, through their lives encouraged others and passed on the faith. Because the saints are the church. They have built the church up, and strengthened it through their lives, and continue to strengthen it through their prayers. They are the Church Triumphant- and they shared in the cross of Christ and now glory in His Resurrection. Because God loves us that much. So much that not only does He send His Son to save us, He lets us participate in His plan for salvation. He lets us be filled with Him. Just. So. Beautiful.